i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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