It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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