I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
