I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
