Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
