moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
