I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
