So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
