I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
