So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
