Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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