Banned from zoo.
Again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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