Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
