Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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