i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
