my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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