Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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