I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
