i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
