My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
