If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
