After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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