D3 body, D1 cock
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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