Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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