Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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