Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
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