The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
