***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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