I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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