happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
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