I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
