he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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