sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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