this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
