Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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