My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
3 2 1 whiskey
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
