Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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