Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
