i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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