im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
