I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
