Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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