I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
