I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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