I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
