1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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