I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
