New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There r osticjed everywhere
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
