My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
