She is in my trunk
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
