I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
