I met the friendliest cop last night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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