i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
