It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
