you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
