that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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