If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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