I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
