Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
