I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
