I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
